Grandma is better than Bed Bath & Beyond.

Not only can Grandma make a mean nutroll and dance the polka like a champ (both things I've yet to see this big box store accomplish), she also stocks cooler products.

Seriously, I had a $25.00 gift certificate for that place and thought I could at least find an indoor/outdoor rug to put in front of the back door. I was also in the market for a circular wooden tray for the coffee table, a basket thingy for the bottom shelf of our bookcase, and cute, lightweight curtains for the office nook. In a store with three levels of goods, you'd think I'd find one of these things on which to spend my hard-earned (not really) giftcard.

Two hours later, I came out of the store with several bottles of this:

I know you should never say never. But I'm saying right now that I'm never going back there.

Now, for Gram. When I was home over the holidays I found these languishing in my mom's linen closet:

AWESOME pillowcases that Gram had made for mom when she got married. Hot pink edging to match my mom's hot-pink coverlet, an idea that both enthralls and frightens me. I lived in that house for 18 years and never once saw these cases OR a hot pink coverlet. Such secrets. Anyway, mom told me to take them since she hadn't used them in 35 years.

In addition, Gram decided to give all the ladies in the family old homemade aprons for Christmas. Here's mine:

She gave these to us not because she really thought we'd love to have them, but because she derives perverse pleasure in making us dress up in odd costumes on Christmas Eve. I'm not sure at what point she began confusing Halloween for the eve of Jesus's birth, but it's become a weird, uncontested tradition. This year's theme was 'Mama's Family'. We also received hats for our trouble.

In conclusion, my Grandma's got better loot than BBB. This post feels like a hallucination.

This pisses the shit outta me.

What *is* that, you ask? Why, it's a brown tuxedo. Yes, a BROWN TUXEDO. And its mere existence pisses me off. Having just planned a wedding, I was witness to many ridiculous bridal inventions (like the white napkins versus ivory dress debate, the bedazzled unity candle, those awful Lenox bride and groom figurines that people use as cake toppers, garter belts with football team logos, etc), but NONE more annoying or *wrong* as the brown friggin' tuxedo.

I don't care that your colors are brown and powder blue, or brown and baby pink, or brown and mint green (all of which are terrible combos and ALSO piss the shit outta me). I don't care that the bridesmaids are wearing brown empire-waisted Ann Taylor Celebrations gowns, or that your linens are metallic brown organza, or that your flowers are chocolate cosmos, or that your signature drink is a choco-kahlua-ice cream-tini-rita.

Tuxedos are *black*. Or white, but only if you're getting married in an outdoor, daytime ceremony in Capri or something. Or, if you're in Palm Springs channeling Frank Sinatra.