Christmas Cabbage Rolls, The Making of.

I know it's the new year and most people would like to read diet or closet organization tips and not see pictures of last year's food. But I also like to stick with what I know, and one look at a my closet or my ass will have you thankful for what I CAN offer: a holiday food tutorial.

My Grandma is Hungarian. Every Christmas, the ladies of the family meet up at my aunt's house on the 23rd to prepare traditional cabbage rolls (or 'pigs' for short, don't ask me why) for the whole gang to enjoy on Christmas Eve. You will need:

Lots of raw meat.
Chopped onions.
Bread crumbs.
Eggs.
Cooked white rice.
Salt.
Pepper.
Chopped garlic.

Mix that all up in a big bowl.

Then, you will need many heads of cabbage, briefly boiled, with most roll-able leaves taken off.


Then, you gotta stuff and roll:


Somewhere, throw in a fruity martini. Remember, this is a laborious process. Adjust alcohol consumption according to craziness of family:

Then, you gotta poke the ends. This picture is upsetting in so many ways, I know:

Pack them tightly (but neatly!! as my teacher-mom exclaims) into a large roaster:

Then, and this is where I cannot hide that we're doing all of this in West Virginia, tie the top and bottom of the roaster together with heavy-duty plastic wire-ties:

You do this so that the raccoons don't get to them when the roaster spends the night on the ice-cold back deck (ain't no room in the fridge, yo):

Don't forget to clean up:

In the morn, pour several cans of crushed tomatoes and - that holiday classic - cream of mushroom soup, over the pigs. Roast for several hours. Come nightfall, enjoy:

Or, if you're like me and don't eat meat, be happy that you've brought gastrointestinal enjoyment to your family and thankful there's more room for wine and cookies in your own stomach.